Regret vs. Lesson learned?

"There are no mistakes in life, only lessons"

"Never regret anything because at some point you wanted it"

"Sometimes we know we shouldn't and thats exactly why we do"

These are a few of many common sayings our society is hearing, speaking, and believing. But I agree with none of them. I have recently been plagued with memories of past decisions and hurts and recognize that it is an attack from my enemy. One that knows how to slither it's way into my mind, my heart, and my emotions. Although I know that I have been forgiven for all my sins, I still struggle with doubt, with disbelief, with regret. As long as I am here on this earth I will face trials and pain. I will constantly be pursued by an enemy who seeks to completely destroy me. Healing does not often come over night. I'm learning to day by day seek the Lord and plead with Him to give me strength enough to move past my past. I will not waste time dwelling on how my past will effect my future. My future is in His hands, and He only has good in store for me. 

I know that I have been created to be a godly women. A woman of good character and strong integrity. I will not give up in this battle against my enemy. One that flashes hurtful memories, and taunts me with temptations. I can rest knowing that I belong to a God who overcomes all. My debts have been paid, my mistakes forgotten. 

I can rest in this truth, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

Catch up...

I can't believe how fast time seems to be going...the pages on my calendar keep getting turned and I can't seem to stay caught up!

Let's see...the last time I posted anything was the end of September. Much has happened in that time but I'm not sure I know how to put it all into words. I went home to Oregon for Christmas and had a great time with my family. Although I enjoyed every moment of it I was eager and ready to return. San Antonio has become my home. I am still in awe at how faithful God is to go before me and provide for my every need. I'm coming up on a year since I loaded up my little car with all my belongings and made the three day journey to Texas. I still have days where I look around and can't believe it! I have been blessed with an amazing church family and many friends.

I remember being hesitant to take this leap...wondering if it was the right move or if I would miss out on God's plan for me if I left Oregon. Silly thoughts really! I remember the time when I was just waiting for my life to start, meet a guy, get married, start a family...that's what I thought it meant to start my life. Although those things are all strong desires in my heart, I'm embracing this season of life, this season of being single and I'm getting to know my Father in heaven and letting him fulfill those desires. I've created this life for myself, I'm learning more about Jesus and myself and pursuing contentment in Him. I laugh when I think about how people talk about finding their "other half"...I laugh because I know what they're feeling, feeling incomplete, lonely, etc. We do not become whole when we have someone else. We become whole when we are in complete communion with Jesus. We need to strive to be a whole person before we add someone else into the mix. That's my current season in life. I want to be the best version of myself, the most whole in my relationship with Jesus. So that one day, when He decides I'm ready to meet my future husband, I'll bring a whole person. 

I moved into my first apartment about a month ago and it's wonderful. Sometimes I feel a little lonely, but I'm filling my time with talking to Jesus, reading His Word, learning His character. I'm falling in love with Him in a way I never have before. My heart has been broken...ruined, and He's molding and re-shaping it into a heart that yearns for Him. I have a fresh understanding of my sinful nature and His saving grace and mercy. 

God is so gracious, so loving and so faithful. 

I heard this song last week...and it has become the Cry In My Heart...

God is closer than you think...

I love reading, but there's something about being required to read something that causes you to miss many really good things. I've decided to revisit many "required" readings from my college classes. I've begun with God is closer than you think by John Ortberg. In the very first pages...I'm struck by great insight into Michelangelo's painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Here's an excerpt from pages 12-14...I hope you will be challenged the way I was...

"If you look carefully at the painting, you notice that the figure of God is extended toward the man with great vigor. He twists his body to move it as close to man as possible. His head is turned toward the man, and his gaze is fixed on him. God's arm is stretched out, his index finger extended straight forward; every muscle is taut.

Before Michelangelo, art scholars say, the standard paintings of creation showed God standing on the ground, in effect helping Adam to his feet. Not here. This God is rushing toward Adam on a cloud, one of the 'chariots of heaven,' propelled by the angels. (In our day they don't look quite aerobicized enough to move really fast, but in Michelangelo's day the angels suggested power and swiftness.) It is as if even in the midst of the splendor of all creation, God's entire being is wrapped up in his impatient desire to close the gap between himself and this man. He can't wait. His hand comes within a hairbreadth of the man's hand.

The painting is traditionally called The Creation of Adam, but some scholars say it should be called The Endowment of Adam. Adam has already been given physical life - his eyes are open, and he is conscious. What is happening is that he is being offered life with God. "All of man's potential, physical and spiritual, is contained in this one timeless moment," writes one critic.

Apparently one of the messages that Michelangelo wanted to convey is God's implacable determination to reach out to and be with the person he has created. God is as close as he can be. But having come that close, he allows just a little space, so that Adam can choose. He waits for Adam to make his move.

Adam is more difficult to interpret. His arm is partially extended toward God, but his body reclines in a lazy pose, leaning backward as if he has no interest at all in making a connection. Maybe he assumes that God, having come this far, will close the gap. Maybe he is indifferent to the possibility of touching his creator. Maybe he lacks the strength. All he would have to do is lift a finger."

What does reading this do in your heart? For me, I was convicted at how little I'm willing or disciplined to do in lifting my finger the slightest bit to connect with my Creator. I'm challenged to make the smallest of effort because he's already come most of the way. I'm lazy, indifferent, assuming and stubborn...which causes me to miss out in bring with my Father. What can you do to lift that finger and close the gap?

Worrying never solves any problems

It is hard not to worry about someone you really love when you see them making decisions that are not in their best interest. When you see them make decisions that are not currently dangerous but could easily turn into a slippery slope...how do you just let them continue? There is one person in my life currently that is causing a feeling of panic inside me...I love this person more than anything and want to fix everything for them. It's always been this way but this person is at a point in their life where I recognize they need to start making their own decision and what it means to become an adult.

At what point in your relationship with someone do you take a step back and ultimately let them make mistakes and learn responsibility? How do you cope with recognizing unhealthy choices that someone you love is making but knowing they won't take you seriously if you express your concern? It requires wisdom, trust and patience: wisdom to know when to step in and when to step away; trusting that the other person will find their way; patience to allow them time to do so.

There are times when a loved one needs support, nurturing and direction, and times when these same expressions of love interfere with their process. Caring and caretaking are two different things. This is the crossroads I find myself at now. My whole life I've been a caretaker for this person...and now I find it an extremely difficult transition to just be a person who cares. I must now show support and compassion instead of making decisions and doing things on behalf of this person.

I feel confused, out of control, and panicked at not being able to do anything to help. I recognize though, that this person is capable of making wise choices and that it may take a few mistakes to get there. I will choose to trust God with this person and these circumstances. I can't quite describe the feeling I have but it's almost like this person is standing on a ledge...nothing bad has happened but I feel that they're about to fall. I don't want to borrow trouble from tomorrow. This is a great opportunity for me to exercise my faith! I cannot fix the situation, but I can pray for God to be the deciding factor in this person's decision making.

Lord, I pray that you would invade the heart of this person that I love so much. Direct them towards you and create in them a desire to live a life worthy of you. I pray for godly people to enter their life and mentor and invest in them. Help me to not worry but instead entrust you with the situation.

Sufficient

I heard this song and it really resonated with my soul this morning...I thought I'd share.

Hear my heart, Lord, as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer, Lord and carry me through
In Your mercy in the promise You made
Be my strength, Lord, when my strength fades away

Cause when I am weak
Your strength is complete, it's perfect
Completely all I need, sufficient for me
Your grace and Your peace are perfect
Completely all I need, You're all that I need

In my weakness I'm finding Your strength
In my sorrow a gentle embrace
Through the seasons of laughter or pain
You are listening when I call out Your name

Cause when I'm weak
Your strength is complete, it's perfect
Completely all I need, sufficient for me
Your grace and Your peace are perfect
Completely all I need, You're all that I need

I'll find You when I seek, I'll look for You with all of my heart
And I'll find You when I'm weak cause You are strong

Hear my heart, Lord, as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer, Lord and carry me through
Carry me through

Cause when I am weak
Your strength is complete, it's perfect
Completely all I need, sufficient for me
Your grace and Your peace are perfect
Completely all I need

The hardest thing to do is give up your money...

The concept of money and what a huge role it plays in our lives has been plaguing me lately. So much in our lives revolves around it and it's hard to live if you don't have it. Right? But what is wealth, really? The emphasis our culture puts on "wealth" is debilitating. My generation has not been taught well in the ways of managing finances. We spend if we don't have the money and we spend on a "wants" basis instead of "needs". 


In the last two and a half months, I have been convicted and challenged to be faithful in tithing my 10%. This is something I've always struggled with. I can't really explain the stirring in my heart to do this, but I could not ignore it. It's been a war...when I feel I may not be able to pay the next bill, the first thing I'm tempted to cut out is my tithe! It seems a little backwards don't you think? I go back and forth, "I'll just skip tithe this month" to "No, tithing is important...I need to do this". A constant struggle, and an area I've identified that I'm easily swayed by the enemy. I don't consider myself greedy, but the thought of not being able to pay my bills scares me to death! Part of it is pride. I want to be able to take care of myself. 


Wanting to eventually get my own place, I worked and re-worked a projected budget to see what I would need to earn if I wanted to get my own apartment. The end result: I need a second job. I had no desire to get a second job because that would eat up all the extra time I did have, and take time away from things I want to be involved with at church. I started praying...I prayed for opportunities to make extra money, and I even prayed the Lord would provide a specific amount for me each month...an amount that would allow me to get my own apartment and pay my bills. In a weeks time...I saw three different opportunities/blessings that the Lord was starting to put in place. Some of these blessings are still in the works, and I'll tell you more about them later. I decided to give back 10% of the money the Lord so graciously provided for me and in return, my faithfulness has been and continues to be rewarded. It isn't my money anyways, it all belongs to Him...He's just allowing me to use it. To show my thankfulness, I'll gladly give it back to him.


Malachi 3:10 says, "Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and prove me now in this, says the Lord of Hosts, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it". 


God is so amazing! He desires my complete trust, and no matter how many times I fail at taking care of myself, He accepts me and covers me with blessings.  

Who am I trying to impress?

I deleted my blog several weeks ago because I really couldn't keep up with posting on a semi-regular basis. I figured...why do this if I can't make the time, or even think of something to write?! I set these expectations for what this blog would be about based on what I saw others doing. I felt inadequate and like a failure because I couldn't write as often as I thought I should.

How often do we look at others and feel like we are failures, or that we can't live up to the expectations placed on us by others, and by ourselves? It's silly really. My brother posted a quote on his facebook from a speaker at the youth camp he is at. The quote says, "It's hard to change the world when you're spending all your time trying to impress it." I was trying to create this blog so that I could keep those back home in Oregon up to date on my adventures of living in San Antonio...I wanted to share any random thoughts or prayers with those I love. Instead, over a short period of time my thinking morphed into comparison and I felt defeated in not being able to write these eloquent, insightful, deep entries. I'm not the most creative or intelligent of people to ever walk the earth but I do have things to say!

Our flesh wars with our spirit on a daily basis and I so often get caught up in what other's are doing...or what I'm not doing. God made me just the way I am, and to not be happy with that, and to not cultivate that into the best version of me...is to say that God made a mistake. I am who I am, and that's enough.

I have no quota for how many posts I need in a week...or a month, I'll write when I write!

Love to all my friends and family.