In the last month or so, I have felt what I only can explain as "off". I myself could not find an explanation or reason, really. And I would get frustrated because I couldn't put a sentence together as to why I felt this way. Emotions are a mystery! I just didn't feel like me. I didn't feel anything really...it has been a season of being on "auto-pilot". Going through the motions.
I can now recognize these seasons when they come because they happen often in my life. They most often come when I am "dry" when I need to really press into Jesus. I'm not intentionally "dry", but nonetheless, the enemy sees an opening and he takes every opportunity to whittle away my dependance on my Daddy God. He sneaks in lies about who I was made to be, where I am in life, and the purpose God has for me. He creates confusion and sadness, discontentment and longing. He reminds me of my past sins and makes me second guess the free gift of forgiveness I have been given.
Needless to say, these seasons cause me to look inward...they present an opportunity to evaluate and make changes. I'm currently reading a book with a wonderful group of friends from church called, You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth. This book is all about realizing and believing that our Daddy God already thinks we're pretty great...not to give us egos...we are still all very flawed and sinful but because of the perfect gift of Jesus dying on the cross for all my sins...I am beautiful to God. I am pleasing. In the last chapter I read, we focused on where we are going. I've since been meditating and mulling over the story in Exodus about the Israelites being freed from Egypt and their long delay to the promised land due completely to their disobedience. God set these people free from slavery just as he has set me free from my sin. He performed miracles along the way and yet they still chose to try and make it on their own. But! When they figured out how to pay attention to God's leading, when they kept their eyes on the cloud (presence of God), and they learned to obey, God delivered them to the promise land.
There are so many great things to be gleamed from this story, but what I'm soaking up right now is that by keeping my eyes focused on God, he will tell me if it is time to encamp (staying put) or a time to set out (the Israelites following God when the cloud moved). These can be both exciting and hard things to do regardless of your personality. God did not intend the journey to be so long and difficult for the Israelites. They took things out of God's hands and tried to control and do things on their terms. We can see how well that worked! 40 years of wandering was the consequence they had to endure due to their sin. I want to learn from their mistake.
All that to say, I've been asking God to help me rest in the knowledge that he has a "promised land" for me, and that he will get me there at exactly the right moment I need to be there...if I keep my eyes on him and keep obedience in my heart. I like to be on time...no, no...I like to be at least 15 minutes early to EVERYTHING! I panic if there is the slightest chance of being late (this is something God continues to work out in me). My feelings toward my "promised land" is that I DO NOT WANT TO BE LATE! And so, I have often tried to take a short cut or weave in and out of the people, circumstances, or places that may be causing me to get there "late". I've again been reminded this week that it doesn't work that way. That when you are in the biggest hurry, that is when you often get stuff in traffic...with no way out except to wait. Doing things my way just doesn't work. I can trust God to get me there on time! Even if I want to rush, I can still obey and trust. The shortest and easiest way is not always the best way. Sometimes the longest and most difficult journey is the safest, surest and best in the end.
I think I've figured out why I'm feeling a little "off". I am changing seasons. I moved to Texas a year and a half ago. That was a very scary and exciting time for me. A time where God was telling me it was time to "set out". Now, I find myself settled and comfortable in this new part of life. I now sense that God is telling me it's time to encamp. It's time to stay put and serve him just where I am. An equally scary and exciting time. I don't know what this season will look like, but I will continue on with my eyes focused on my Daddy God and ready for whatever he has in store for this portion of my journey to the promised land.
I encourage you to go back and look at this story of the Israelites in the book of Exodus, and evaluate where your eyes are focused. Are they on God?
~Brit
