I am who I am, by the grace of God.

I grew up going to church...spending countless hours a week in the building we called "church". At a young age, my mom got a job at the "church", and thus, even more hours were spent there. I knew pretty much everyone there, and in turn, they knew me. I loved the status I got as a "staff kid", but hated the way I felt I was being watched. That I couldn't make a mistake. I was a representation of my parents, my family, and I didn't want to disappoint. I've come to terms over the last several years that I like to please people, I like to be compliant. I do not consider myself a push over, or easily manipulated, but I like to make people happy. 

God has been revealing a lot to me lately and teaching me that He has made me the way I am for a reason. My whole life, I have held a lot inside and haven't allowed myself to reach out for comfort or encouragement from those who truly care about me. I always figured everyone had so much going on in their own lives that I didn't want to add to their burden. But, I would gladly take on theirs! Because I care, and wanted to lesson any pain that I could for those I loved. Instead, I became a pack mule for everyone else's troubles. But by hiding all my troubles and heartache, I was denying other's the opportunity to exercise their faith in God and the gifts they had been given.

When I moved to Texas, it was an opportunity for me to take a good long look at my life. My relationship with Jesus. And what I found was not what I wanted. I was saddened to see that I had let other's expectations and needs for me overshadow the gifts God made in me. Somewhere along the way, I got lost. Next week marks the one year anniversary of my move to Texas. This hot, dry place has been a oasis, that has produced much growth in my heart. I am so thankful for a God who came to Texas with me. He goes before me every moment of every day, and speaks loving, life giving words. He is revealing his character to me, showing me and affirming me in who he has made me to be. He's cultivating the woman He's made me to be, and helping me lean to love myself. 

I've made some pretty significant mistakes in my life. But no one would know that...because I haven't opened up that part of myself. This last week, I had the opportunity to spend a whole day, uninterrupted by children or tasks that needed to be done, with an amazing woman of God, who has great wisdom and a huge capacity to love. For the first time ever, I was able to simple talk and share things from my life that happend as far back as 7 years ago, that I had never once truly talked about. The healing that comes from those confessions is absolutely incredible. I received so much love and encouragement from this woman and I left that day lighter. When we hold on to things, they stay with us. Moving to another state, or country does not make them disappear. But there is power in words. There is freedom.

It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to want to make people happy. It's ok.

I am who I am, by the grace of God.